Happy Family Stuff 'n Junk

What colors does my heart see?


What passion lies in my soul?
What burnings do I feel?
What secrets do I clench inside?

The moon asked me these questions as I woke this morning.
But I cant tell all my heart's secrets! Especially when they are still a cloud to me.

My soul often reviels itself to me in my dreams. But I don't allways listen. And sometimes I think I choose to ignore, for the sake of the illusion of peace.

My current dreams are a blending of my old life with my new life. These are two very distinctly different lives. but i am reminded that they touch. And I cannot erase my past.
Last night my dreams reminded me that though there are parts of my old life that i hate, or regret, that there are still parts (or people) that I love. I love them a lot. And this is okay. More so, this is good. I must accept this love - even though it means swimming through bitterness.


Dear Australia, mother bonnie, brothers and mitt, Do you think of me and miss me? Or do you hate me for confusing you with hurt. Do you know how much pain i was in? Do you not see the nessecity in my leaving. I did what I had to do but I wish I had done it differently. At the time I felt very trapped. But I am stronger now and would that i could have been kinder. I would have done many things differently. But my love is still strong for you. I seek an exchange of forgivness and peace. I seek understanding and patient love. I wish you all manner of goodness in your lives. And i incorporate your essense into life and soul.



Mother I love you and I am sorry for so much. Especially not holding you that last time we were together. I am sorry that sometimes the thought of you frightens me. Maybe because I sense you. I am sorry that sometimes I hate you. I am sorry i was such a bitch to you. I am so Damn mad that i did not stop you from dying! If I knew i would have been there to see you go crazy. You never would have turned blue. I am stronger now and could protect you now. but would you kill me? Are you better off where you are? Are we all? I hate to think that. And so, I hoist you up and choose to see you as the Goddess you are. You fly on the strings of a violin. You are the one who brought tears to laughter. You will hover over my life with your influence.
I honor you - I honor you - I honor you Blessed Mother.


Father where were you? I missed you and needed you so much! I stood over her body alone. I played on vacations alone. I ate dinner alone. I moved mountains alone! What were you thinking about as you quietly listened to her rant and rave? Where were you every night as you looked up at screens. I wanted you to see me, to play with me, to teach me more more more. So much was her fault and not yours. She was just a little stronger that you - for a while. I am trying to not be jealous of the life you are giving your new family. I pray everyday for the charity of heart to love them. And i will continue to try - I am stronger now. You have given me strength many times over. I had allways believed you were one step down from Jesus. And maybe you are. You are just as difficult to see but I still have faith in you too.

What Burns in my Soul?

The lightning streaks of those I've loved.

The foreshadow of those who will come. I can see them knocking eagerly. I am conflicted by this world and theirs. My list is too long to complete in time and so I will have to learn to let go and grab tight, To prioritize, To be strong, To learn fast,

To Love