I am filled with anxiety every day now. I'm big. I feel very big.
I'm also troubled with worry that there is so much to do, or at least that I'd like to get done, before our arrival. I am stressed by a handful of big ticket items that we haven't been able to get yet and the inevitable increase of living expenses when we can barely manage the basics now. I am exhausted by Dakota and his new phase of demanding all my undivided attention every moment. I try to imagine what one night away from him would be like. Not that I don't totally and utterly love him to the greatest depths only a mother can. It's just, well, a childless weekend (not to mention single day) is something I haven't experienced in over two years and it wouldn't be entirely a bad thing.
I am consumed with the need to organize, systematize, and categorize.
I even made a "Neaman Family Folder" for my mother-in-law when she comes to visit.
(It has pages including: Dakota's daily schedule/ Ideas for activites & outings / take out places nearby & their menus / mapquest directions and of course vital numbers & information.)
Everything feels dirty!
My garbage disposal is broken and there is sink vomit everywhere.
Technically it has been broken for a year now but we keep patching it up with putty. It's beyond putty now.
So we stopped using that half of the sink.
Must keep cleaning.
Picture an up-side-down camel on all fours scrubbing the cracks between the floor boards and vacuuming behind the air vents. Then picture a beached whale with a monkey bouncing on top of her. That's me.
I'm also troubled with worry that there is so much to do, or at least that I'd like to get done, before our arrival. I am stressed by a handful of big ticket items that we haven't been able to get yet and the inevitable increase of living expenses when we can barely manage the basics now. I am exhausted by Dakota and his new phase of demanding all my undivided attention every moment. I try to imagine what one night away from him would be like. Not that I don't totally and utterly love him to the greatest depths only a mother can. It's just, well, a childless weekend (not to mention single day) is something I haven't experienced in over two years and it wouldn't be entirely a bad thing.
I am consumed with the need to organize, systematize, and categorize.
I even made a "Neaman Family Folder" for my mother-in-law when she comes to visit.
(It has pages including: Dakota's daily schedule/ Ideas for activites & outings / take out places nearby & their menus / mapquest directions and of course vital numbers & information.)
Everything feels dirty!
My garbage disposal is broken and there is sink vomit everywhere.
Technically it has been broken for a year now but we keep patching it up with putty. It's beyond putty now.
So we stopped using that half of the sink.
Must keep cleaning.
Picture an up-side-down camel on all fours scrubbing the cracks between the floor boards and vacuuming behind the air vents. Then picture a beached whale with a monkey bouncing on top of her. That's me.
I walk very slowly.
Sometimes I have to stop and just stand there. Even in public.
I'm also lonely. It's not his fault but I sure wish that people would stop doing so many stupid things like stabbing each other, putting their faces on chainsaws, crashing cars & smoking. It makes for a busy hospital, tired doctors and lonely wives.
Sometimes I have to stop and just stand there. Even in public.
I'm also lonely. It's not his fault but I sure wish that people would stop doing so many stupid things like stabbing each other, putting their faces on chainsaws, crashing cars & smoking. It makes for a busy hospital, tired doctors and lonely wives.
Not that I'm complaining. I know I know, in another half a decade from now it will all be worth it. Just keep looking ahead. But what about my uterus now? It's tiered.
I'm tiered - yet I can't sleep at night with my mind racing.
I do however get very drowsy right at the moment that Dakota wakes up. Why is that?
Oh my goodness! I just realized that we haven't settled on a name yet!
And the office is a mess
and my photos need to be copied & deleted from my computer
and this pile of cards need to be written and mailed.
Doh! Im out of stamps.
And I haven't finished painting the rooms.
What if my boobs don't work this time?
What if I go early and there is no one available to watch Dakota?
What if Keith can't get covered to be with me?
What if I'm late- ugg - again....
Or if there is a problem.
The ceiling fans look dusty.
I'm tiered - yet I can't sleep at night with my mind racing.
I do however get very drowsy right at the moment that Dakota wakes up. Why is that?
Oh my goodness! I just realized that we haven't settled on a name yet!
And the office is a mess
and my photos need to be copied & deleted from my computer
and this pile of cards need to be written and mailed.
Doh! Im out of stamps.
And I haven't finished painting the rooms.
What if my boobs don't work this time?
What if I go early and there is no one available to watch Dakota?
What if Keith can't get covered to be with me?
What if I'm late- ugg - again....
Or if there is a problem.
The ceiling fans look dusty.
4 comments:
hi emily--you sound so overwhelmed. i'm sorry i'm not there to help. i think you might have to bring dakota over for a playdate when we get home so you can have some time alone. you are almost there though. hang in there, the baby will be here before you know it.
I had MANY of these same thoughts when I was about to have Olivia so I have an idea of what you're going through. And I live one street away from you so we're always willing to watch Dakota, especially if you go early. At least that's one less thing that you need to stress about!
Em, I know this sounds like a little, insignificant thing at a time like this (having been there with two kids, no husband, no family and a terrible pregnancy and a full time job) but do you have V Teachers? If you do, call them. Tell them you need help. Even if you don't know them. I had total strangers help me move when I was preggers and bedridden with Leah. It was humbling, and I count find anything for weeks, but it was all put away and that was a relief.
You know the big ticket items will get taken care of, so scratch that off the list (and send me some options for price on the stroller).
I am only going to Kauai for a week, then I come back to 4 and 5 week old pups. Once they go home if you need more help lets chat. Dont get too bogged on cleaning, the baby will need some resistance to dust and allergens and if you clean them all away she wont build that up.
Everything else (mess wise, paint) can wait. You will time later. One day at a time and you will get through it without losing your mind but do get help with Dakota.
You and he both need a break.
PS you are a fabulous mom, and everything will be great. Debbie is going to help out a lot. She will love to help you with what you cant do. Turn you day of delivery into Gods hands, and you will find peace.
We are with you in spirit and wish we were closer.
When do you want your dad there, do you know? I will make sure he gets away for the blessing -- I will hold down the fort here.
Just chill, sip tea, think of baby names, look around you and see your handiwork and say I AM GREAT AT THIS!There is no deadline or due date on satisfaction in a job well done.
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